Ok let’s see, firstly, i’m a person who hates to waste food. I’m not exactly sure how it started but it could be the time when someone came to my house to ask for food, not money, or stories of starving people in other countries, or when i extracted my wisdom tooth and it hurt so much that i couldn’t eat at all even though i was starving. It might be either one of those that triggered this in me, or it could be another thing, or all altogether. I know that sometimes camp food taste bad, but i can’t stand it when people say it taste like shit. I mean what the fuck? Have you tasted shit before? Do you know the taste of shit? If not, then how would you know the food taste like shit? People are starving in other countries while we are eating like kings, well not exactly in camp. We should be grateful that we have food on the table and that we do not have to worry about not having food.

I am a blunt person. I say what i like. Sometimes i do take the time to rephrase my words so that they won’t sound wrong. I would love to say things and not have any bad consequences, but that’s not possible. I would usually imagine what the aftereffect would be, but this would usually lead me to NOT say it afterwards. When i’m around my bros, i know that i can speak my mind and they won’t judge me. Even if they have something unpleasant to say, i would still accept it. But when around strangers, i tend to not speak my mind, let alone speak at all. That’s why people always say that i’m a very quiet person. If they ever get to know me, they would know that it is not true at all.

That’s all i have for now.

Laziness and lack of courage had led me to not do certain stuff, like attempting to chat someone up. I think it would be impossible now, but perhaps more possible in the near future. I think i should let nature take its course and wait for a proper opportunity. All in all, 2011 hadn’t really been the best of years, but being 21, i should be more mature, more grown up and appreciate what i have. Shall stop complaining about having a bad year, and embrace the new year. Happy new year everyone

Let’s see… kids. I love kids. Not in a pedophilia way, but in a i don’t know what way. Well, i just love the innocence, the cuteness, the i-can-get-away-with-anything charm, and plenty more which i can’t pen down, or rather type out. I would love to carry them, but i’m scared of hurting them. Kids, or rather infants and toddlers, seem so fragile. But on the other hand, i want to carry them, hug them, kiss them, care for them, be a part of their growing process. Nothing beats the happiness of seeing a child smile because of something you did. Sometimes i do wonder if i will be a good father. I would say i am not ready and prepared to be a father now as i can’t even really take care of myself. I would have to be more responsible, independent and strong willed. Having the ability to support a family is a must too.

Relationship. Hmm, i can’t really remember why i wanted to blog about this. One thought that came to me recently was that one of the traits of my ideal partner would be to love kids. I find it heart-warming to see a girl play with kids and care for them. The motherly side of her would come out regardless of whether she is aware of it or not. Another thought that came to mind was that i should just send a message to strike a conversation. My reasoning was that if she finds it weird, the most would be to just ignore it and get on with life. She don’t even know me in the first place. If she does reply back and is willing to be friends, all the better. One cannot find that one has too many friends. Partly that made me want to do it was due to a recent funeral that i attended, which will be touched on in the next paragraph. We only live once, and we are young only once. If an opportunity passes by, it would be gone forever. Second chance doesn’t apply to everyone. But then again, it is this kind of thinking that made me reckless, or could be due to desperateness. Looking at her posts, it seems that she’s waiting and has someone in her heart too. I’m not sure if she’s willing to accept another guy in her life, as a friend. I don’t like having facebook friends and letting it remain the way it is, an internet social virtual friend. I would rather get to know the person, hang out together or something. Doing things together that is more human and social rather than behind a computer and having a virtual friendship. If things go well, maybe i wouldn’t have to have such lonely occasions or events again, but i don’t have much faith.

Recently i’ve attended a funeral for the first time. I didn’t expect so many thoughts to run through my mind at that time. 2nd uncle had passed away so suddenly. Yes, we weren’t that close, but i still felt the loss in the family. I didn’t know why but i really felt like crying during the funeral. I guess it’s natural reaction. However, i literally bit my lips and held back the tears, which i do not know why. When i saw my cousins cry, it was really heart-wrenching. Nasty thoughts kept appearing in my mind. I was imagining what it would be like if it was my parents’ funeral. I felt like my heart contracted and it was difficult to breathe, partly due to like choking on the held back tears. Thoughts kept running wild and i was doing my best not to think about it while on the bus to the crematorium. When we reached there and the coffin was moved in, my cousins broke down. I couldn’t stand it either. It was really a heart-wrenching moment. Tears started falling down my cheeks. My heart felt pain and sour, though i’m sure that’s just a direct translation. Deep inside i was hoping i can find someone to comfort me or something, but there was none. There and then i felt that it would be great to have someone beside me, lending me a shoulder. I glanced at my other cousins and they didn’t have any expression on their faces. I guess it’s just that they don’t really know 2nd uncle, which is why they may not feel the loss and not feel sad. I saw my dad taking charge and couldn’t believe how he was able to take all that. I wanted to sit beside him on the bus and comfort him or something, but it seems like i was more of a wreck and didn’t do so. I’m not sure if i’m soft-hearted or sissy or pussy or whatever, but it seems that i’m one who cries easily. I’m writing all these because i am sure that nobody reads this blog other than me. If you manage to read this far, feel free to share your thoughts. There was another thought that came to mind during the funeral, and that was when i die, i do not want a funeral. Yes, i will want to be cremated, but i do not want those type of under the block yellow canvas funeral. Instead, i want a party. I want people to celebrate me having lived my life rather than mourn my death. Yes i know people will feel sad of my passing on, but i would rather have them celebrate my life  and commemorate my passing on. I do know that it is weird and may be disrespectful to my family and religion, but that’s how i want it. It may be impossible, but it’s just a thought, my thought.

Last but not least, house. This evening, my friends and i walked from Dakota MRT/ old airport road food centre to Katong Shopping Centre. During the walk, we passed by many landed properties such as terrace, semi-d and bungalows. It was really a nice experience looking at all those houses. Some of the bungalows were simply b-e-a-u-tiful. The designs were close to my ideal home( or at least i think so, cuz i’m not really sure what’s my ideal home). There were a few houses with really nice exterior designs and really big yards. The only thought that was in my mind was “holy shit, will i ever be able to live in one of these houses in future?”. I can’t imagine what those people have done to be able to afford such luxurious housing. Inside, i was just like a happy kid in awe of the beauty of those houses.

I guess that’s all for now. I realise my sentences and paragraphs don’t have proper linkage such as endings. But that’s how i’m gonna write in this blog. Thoughts straight off my mind. Ciao~

It’s nearly been 1 year since the last post. The last post was about staying in unit, which was at OETI. Life was pretty much slack at that time, yet fun at the same time due to certain funny people. Kinda miss those times. Got posted to 1amb/19fmd, then 41fmp at the start of april and stayed there ever since. Life during OJE was seriously slack, which means i didn’t learn anything at all. After OJE, i was hoping and hoping that i would stay there and not go back to Keat Hong camp cuz i started to like the people and environment at 41. I heaved a sigh of relief when i was told that i would be staying there. That started the staying in period.(OJE was stay out) After some time, i was told that i would be going back to 19. I was devastated. I was just getting used to the job and life at 41 and this news suddenly came at me. Not sure when exactly i’ll be going back, but hopefully i wouldn’t have to eventually. Enough with army stuff, had a lot to say but kinda bored myself out.

Now on to other issues. I feel that i’m getting more and more desperate. First there was E, then F, and now another E. Firstly, i don’t stand any chance at all cuz i do not know them at all. Secondly, i do not think i am good enough too. I try not to put myself down too much, but facts are facts. They seem to lead fun and interesting lives, but i lead a boring and dull life. I know certain things cuz of their blogs. It sounds like cyber stalking but then again, they were the ones to post links to their blogs, and blogs are meant to be read right? Okay, whilst typing the previous sentence, i actually went to google the word cyber stalking, and i realised that looking at facebook photos and reading blogs ain’t exactly cyber stalking as i mean no harm at all. What a relief. I’ve always wanted to have more female friends so as to widen my social circle. But all my life, i don’t really have any opportunity to meet more female than males, and i’m kinda shy when it comes to interacting with females. Yes, even at my current age of 21. I think that one of the causes would be that i’m kinda crude and straightforward, thus offending people unknowingly. Knowing that, i would not be able to be myself when around females or avoid eye contact and communication. I hate that part of me, and envy guys who are able to carry themselves well when around females. I keep using the word females cuz girls seem too young and women/ladies sound too old. That’s the way i am, always over thinking things. Having more female friends would also add variety to my life. For example, i would know what type of things females like and want, so that in future when i have a girlfriend i would be able to make her happy.

I guess i’m not the type of guy who would like to experience different types of relationships before settling down. I think that i’m looking for a long lasting relationship which eventually leads to a family. I can say that i am more than willing to commit, but just that i do not know how to. I am still ignorant to many things in the world, and may not be able to give a special her happiness. I am actually scared to be in a relationship, even though i really want to be in one. I’m afraid of making bad decisions, not being able to know what she wants, not knowing what to do and plenty more. That being said, i think i still am not ready for a relationship. I’m not sure if i am capable of loving someone so deeply that i would do anything for her, anything at all. But, i am willing to try.

I envy people who are able to give each other hugs and kisses(sounds corny>.<), be there for one another whenever one is feeling down, sharing joyous moments, confide in each other, trust each other with their life, sharing anything and everything, taking long walks, whisper sweet nothings, cuddling, hugging, taking photos together, live their lives together. Some females say they would rather go for the heart than the looks. But i beg to differ. If the guy do not have the looks, would you even approach him at all to know his heart? I doubt so. That’s the way life is, and till now i have not seen or experience anything to prove myself wrong. I can say that this is the same for guys. I think i belong to the category of heart type, as i do not have the looks. But then again, i wouldn’t know for sure if i have either of them in the first place. Yea it sounds depressing and pathetic the way i put myself down, but that’s the way it is. I don’t have any confidence at all.

Recently i’ve read through some of my previous posts, especially those regarding a certain someone, and i it seems that i’ve changed quite a bit. But then again, i have not. The part where i feel that i’ve changed would be openness, willing to take up challenges, and willing to take things in my stride. I guess this is what i’ve learnt from NS life. For the part where i have not, it would be that i’m leading the same old boring and dull life. Every weekend i’ll be sitting in front of my comp all day, watching videos, playing games, looking at facebook and hoping someone would take notice of my existence at all; to sum it up, no life. I would love to go out and socialise and have fun, but i don’t have a lot of friends, and the ones i have are usually busy. I’ve always wanted to just try something new out of the blue someday, but there’s always something holding me back. I guess it would be the fear of change. Another year is passing by and i’ve not gotten rid of my fear of change and unfamiliarity. But i would say that through my life in NS, i’ve gotten somewhat bolder, though i’m still a coward at heart sometimes.

I’m constantly trying to find something that i am good at, but sad to say that i can’t find anything. I don’t have the perseverance to pursue any of my interests. The biggest factors would definitely be time and money. Some people say i’m good at gaming, but seriously, i’m not that good. I wanted to learn korean and guitar so that i would have some sort of ‘skill’, but up till now i’ve officially learnt neither.

I realise that my style of writing is somewhat repetitive, with the i think, i feel, but then again, I’m, i guess, but, for example etc. My style of writing is like straight out from my thoughts, which is like kinda raw. Expressing myself have never been easy for me as i’m not good at talking or public speaking. If there is a device or machine that can directly spew out words and thoughts that form in my mind, i’m sure my communication skills would be so much better. What an irony. Sometimes what i think does not exactly match what i say. Things, or thoughts just get lost and jumbled up on the way to my mouth. Sometimes i don’t even know what i’m saying, even to the point that i’m embarrassed of what i said.

Wow, scrolling up the draft makes me realised that i’ve written quite a lot of crap, with random thoughts and messed up thinking as well as desperateness. I am kinda forcing myself to keep a blog so as to keep track of how my mind works from time to time. It is also some sort of a reflection for me and to see how i’ve grown over time. It also serves as a memory book as i look through my older posts and relive those memories. I was back at the airport some time back and the memories came flooding in. Boy how i missed those times when i was an intern at CAAS. I got to experince a working life in a somewhat corporate world. Writing this, i am reminded of the period of time when i was awaiting enlistment.

I remember the depression and the feeling of dread back then. My mood was way down and i didn’t feeling like doing anything at all. I still remember when i worked for only 1 day at Great Eastern and decided to quit on that night. I’m not sure if it was really the admin work that was turning me off or the corporate-ness (no such word i think)  of the working environment. Or it could be the dread of enlisting. Then there was the job at sph. I was actually half hoping that i wouldn’t get the job at that point of time. When i realise i got it, i was actually afraid of taking the job. I called back to the agent and told him i didn’t want the job and giving lame excuse like not liking to talk on the phone( which is actually true). Till now, i still don’t like to talk on the phone especially to strangers. I also remember that i nearly cried out when i called home and told my mom that i didn’t want the job. What a joke. I was such a pussy then. Not sure if i still am though lol. Looking back, that was really funny.

Still have plenty of things to write, mostly nonsense, but i’m running out of time. Have to book in soon, so i’ll end it here for now.

I think it’s time to let the past go and welcome the future. We should learn from our mistakes and embrace whatever lessons we have learnt. This time, i find that making new year resolution is pointless as it is very likely that i won’t follow them. Thus, i would just list down some simple resolutions that i hope i would be able to follow.

1. Be more independent
2. Filial to parents (Duh)
3. Socialize more (I actually did that in camp)
4. Welcome the unknown and not worry about it
5. Don’t dwell on the past
6. Positive attitude (Important)

These may seem simple but actually requires a lot of determination, except for number 2. 2010 hasn’t been that good a year due to certain screw-ups and mistakes. But one thing that is good is that i did learn from one of my mistake, which is not to be too impulsive. Somehow i feel that not doing it is a much better choice for everyone.

One more week to POP. Not sure what to feel. I would definitely miss the times spent in BMT. The times we spent together training, the shouting at each other, the fucking one another, as well as the bonding. Whatever it is, wherever i am posted to, i am determined to accept it with a positive attitude, or at least try my best. Good bye 2010. 2011, here i come.

Field camp on Monday. I have to put everything behind and push myself to be forward. I have to train to be independent and not the coward i was, or perhaps still am. I have to be able to take care of myself before i can take care of others. With this thought in mind, i will push myself to be better. I will endure all the shit and emerge as a better person.

Random thought; that waitress was really cute. It could be my desperateness that’s kicking in. Someone else looked cute too today. I was actually interested for a moment. Shan’t reveal too much in case anybody reads this at all.